And another night spent people-spotting on a dating site, getting glimpses into lives that will never intertwine with mine. So many beautiful people all over the world, so many stories, so many wounded or searching or brightly shining souls out of my reach. I have never before felt so removed, like a shadow of a man desperately reaching for the light, only to vanish once exposed to his desire.

I want to connect, I want to help, I want to watch somebody grow and grow in turn. But I will not trust, not any time soon. Not in others, not in myself, not in fate or luck or whatever you want to call it.

The sheer banality of my loneliness, of being left alone, defies description. How can one expect to remain in love without the biological basics, like a minimum of contact? Of course feelings will vanish this way. There is no mystery about it, and there is no fixing it in one’s head. One must fix it on the physical level. Why did she not see it? Speaking of her love one day, not a full day later to disengage for a lack thereof.It is funny, really, and breaks my heart in a million pieces. Yet I am sure somebody will take offense at my complaining and twist the knife a bit, for a man must not complain, ever, and a man must not be sad or hurt or cry or feel betrayed.

Who would even listen to this?